Gintama Version: Crack Pairings and Adventures!
by Pair of Idiots
Summary: Chapter 3: Gintoki and Kagura writing promt
1. Sakata Gintoki, Abuto, and Alcohol

**Disclaimer: Gintama does not belong to me. It belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.**

**Author: ****Totoro504**

**Pairing/Characters Dedicated to: Abuto and Sakata Gintoki.**

**Rated: T for mentions of porn, cursing, and inappropriate subjects. Oh, and hints of yaoi.**

**Genre: Humor, Crack, and Drunk rants.**

**Summary: Sakata Gintoki and Abuto met in the back of the bookstore. Later on, they decided to go to the bar and drink together. Read on and discover the awkward conversations they exchange.**

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A lot of people knew that Sakata Gintoki has a huge drinking problem once night time rolls around the corner. It is the reason why Kagura and Shinpachi makes it their duty to hide the stash of money from him; but somehow, the bastard always finds where it is no matter what—under the couch, in a plastic bag stuffed into the toilet's tank, Kagura's pillowcase, Sadaharu's poop, and in a rotten egg carton. Three months flew by and they finally gave up _after_ they took the money they needed to live. Then they would leave the spare change for the poor silver-haired bastard to use on his alcoholic beverages.

This is the reason why Gintoki, left with only spare changes in his pocket, was roaming around Kabuki district with a solemn look on his face. He was staring at the high class bar with down-casted look in his eyes, inwardly cursing out Kagura and Shinpachi for stealing his "hard-earned" money. Gintoki's shoulders slumped forward in depression, fingering the coins and few bills in his pockets. Lifting his head up, he scratched the back of his hair and sighed. _I might as well hit the book store. _And so, he made his way to the place with a little reluctance. Pushing the glass doors open, he was greeted with cool air hitting his face from the air-conditioner.

"Welco—Oh. It's you." The cashier stared at him with nonchalance and rolled his eyes. The man jabbed his thumb towards a section in the backroom. "There's someone else in there today, but you'll find the usual."

Gintoki grunted in annoyance from the treatment, "Whatever." Digging in his pockets, he pulled out a few coins and threw them on the counter brashly and strolled to the back of the room.

"Tch. Hey bastard, you have two hours in there. That's it!"

"Got it," Gintoki replied, thrusting his index finger into his earhole, rotating it a couple of times. He entered the backroom to find the once bright room completely dark, save for the purple lights shining in the corner to illuminate the small place a bit. He squinted his maroon-colored eyes to get a better glimpse at the tall built man in the corner and then gaped. "You!"

Abuto looked up at the sound of screaming, and blinked. "Oh…It's you…You're the crazy guy who killed Housen," he said blandly, a bit taken aback by surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that! What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out in space with the creepy captain of yours trying to dominate the world?" Gintoki retorted.

"Not really…The captain that wants to dominate the world is the guy with the small eyes…I mean eye," Abuto said, flipping to the next page of…_Holy shit that's the new edition of Play Boy. _Gintoki stared longingly at the magazine in the Yato's hands, mouth watering with saliva slightly. "Anyway, captain decided to come down to Earth today to visit his psychotic sister. I'm just here because I have time on my hand, and this is my favorite bookstore. What about you?"

"Don't have enough money to pay for alcohol so I wanted to read some porn magazine," he answered mindlessly. He then pointed at the magazine Abuto was holding. "Are you going to read that or not?" Abuto raised his eyebrows and snapped it shut, tossing it towards Gintoki. "Thanks," he mumbled, seating himself in the opposite direction of the alien—but just near the purple lights to see the pictures clearly.

Seeing as how there was nothing to do, Abuto reached over next to Gintoki and grabbed a magazine, retracting his hand to himself. Randomly, the amanto started out awkwardly, "So…how is the captain's younger sister doing?"

The samurai snorted at the incredulous question. "Eats _my_ food like a cow, spends _my_ money on more disgusting food, steals more of _my_ money to feed her damned dog, argues with a sadist, and she sleeps in a closet. The rest is repeated every single day. And why the hell would that crazy bastard want to visit Kagura? I thought he was after my guts."

"He's received a notification from a couple of spies saying the girl was being flirted by a crazy young man with a bazooka."

"And?"

"Captain wanted to have a fight with the man."

Gintoki furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What the fu—"

"Don't ask."

"Wha—"

"Don't. Ask."

Reluctantly, Gintoki nodded and left that topic alone.

Five minutes of silence.

Ten minutes of silence.

Fifteen minutes of silence.

Twenty minutes of silence.

Twenty five—"How do you feel about losing an arm?"

Abuto gave him a flat stare. "Details you man-child."

The silver-haired samurai shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just wondering. How do you feel about losing your left arm? Isn't it harder for you to jack off?"

"And you're thinking of this _why_?"

"Curiosity."

The Yato shook his head and scowled, "It's not. I'm ambidextrous."

"You must have had double the pleasure then when you had both your arms."

"I don't," Abuto said starkly.

"Sure," Gintoki mumbled in disbelief, turning the page.

"Yeah…" Abuto's face scrunched up at the porno magazine in his hands. "I don't understand why so many people like hentai."

Cue, the incredulous alien stare directed at him. "You don't?"

"Not really…The girls are cartoon. Why would I get turned on by cartoon and not real life figure?"

"You can't say that because we're cartoon characters too."

"Anime characters actually."

"Shut up."

"Sure…"

There was another silence that fell through them, and Gintoki and Abuto went through the stashes of porn within an hour. The samurai was thinking calmly about the odd predicament he was in, wondering just how in the hell he managed to get stuck in a room with Abuto—looking at porn magazines. He _could_ have left. Then again…he had already paid to read, and he wouldn't get a refund even if he threw himself down on the ground and begged….And there was no way Sakata Gintoki would even beg to begin with.

"HEY! BOTH OF YOU! TWO HOURS IS UP! GET OUT OF THE STORE OR GIVE ME MORE MONEY!"

They both sighed and put down their magazine, standing up and stretching their legs. Shoulders slumped, Gintoki and Abuto exited the porn room briskly in a casual manner. Once they were out, they exchanged looks and then stared at the opposite direction.

"So…"

"So…" Gintoki kicked an empty can at a person's head making Abuto crack a small smirk.

"Want to get a drink?"

"…You're paying right?"

"Naturally."

"Just do it."

**Later on after they become shit-wasted.**

"Kamui just doesn't understand the pain I have to go through! Every day, he's always making homosex—homosex…I don't even remember that word right now! But he's always cracking those jokes at me, and then forces me to make a sandwich for him! That used to be Ungyo, but then the stupid bastard killed him on accident!" Abuto ranted angrily, slamming his fist on the counter. "It's probably not even on accident because Ungyo beat him at UNO one time!"

Gintoki shook his head, "At least you don't have to deal with his damned little sister! You should see her when she's hungry! It's like her stomach is a black hole, and she can't stop stuffing her face once she gets ahold of a rice po—po—POT or something!" The samurai was red in the face, and he hiccupped, throwing his face down on the counter. "Ugghhh…What's worse is that my underlings don't even appreciate me."

"He treats me like crap."

"They steal my stuff even if I took them in."

"He gets on my nerves when he tells me to do something and never give me one damn thank you."

"I have to put my ass on the line for them."

"I end up fixing the problems he caused."

"They don't appreciate me enough."

"He kicks me in the nuts if I ask him for a small favor."

"Kagura and Shinpachi just doesn't understand that I drink because of them."

"I'm forced to braid his hair."

"I have to deal with that stupid fanboy."

"Then he bitch slaps me in the face with his braid."

"He takes my money and spends it on his CD, and he doesn't even realize why I get so angry."

"Captain needs to grow the fuck up."

"Yeah…I should tell them that. Maybe then they'll understand," Gintoki finally said. He glanced at Abuto. "Thanks for listening to my pro—pro—problems." His mind was becoming a bit hazy from all of the alcohol buzzing through him.

Abuto however, did not notice. "—I don't care if that little shrimp is stronger than me. He just can't waltz into my room and steal half of my drawers."

"H-Hey."

"Sometimes, he makes me go suicidal."

"Hey."

"Maybe I should try punching his iron nuts one day. See how he feels—"

"HEY!"

The older amanto snapped out his rant and craned his neck to face Gintoki. "Oh…Sorry…"

"It's okay.…Thanks for listening to my…whatever I guess."

"Yeah…Same here…."

Abuto and Gintoki coughed awkwardly, and glanced at the other direction. Finally, Gintoki asked,

"…What do we do now?"

"…."

Sakata Gintoki vowed to never go to the bookstore ever again because when he woke up, he was stark naked with Abuto lying next to him.

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**Me: So people are probably thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Well I would like to clarify one thing. This story is just mainly crack. Meaning crack genres, and crack pairings. Me and ****gyarulikdat2 ****decided this when we were in our room. We wrote most of the characters, in Gintama's, name down on a strip of paper. Then we put it in my Urahara hat, shook it, and mixed it up and picked two paper out of it. As you can tell, I got Abuto and Gintoki. And this is what I came up with. I hope that at least, ONE person liked it or something. So yeah, don't expect prepared couples, because it's not. We picked out of a hat randomly.**

**AND NOW YOU KNOW THE BACKGROUND TO HOW WE CAME UP WITH THIS STORY. SO DO ME A FAVOR AND:**

**REVIEW. **


	2. Hijikata Toshiro, Shimura Otae, Prompts

**Disclaimer: Gintama does not belong to me. It belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.**

**Author: Totoro504**

**Pairing/Characters Dedicated to: HijikataXOtae**

**Rated: T for cursing and sexual related jokes.**

**Genre: Humor, Romance, and Crack.**

**Summary: Hijikata and Otae. 30 prompts from deviantart+Extra. **

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**1. Lock: **Otae locked Hijikata out the house when they first moved in together because she couldn't stand the smell of his cigarettes. Hence, the reason why Hijikata had decided to hide all of the food in the kitchen from her. It didn't just piss her off, but it also helped him live for another year or so because he wouldn't have to eat her poison cooking.

**2. Paper-Cut: **Hijikata has gotten so many paper-cuts on his fingers whenever Otae handed him a stack of paper, and purposely pulled it back quickly. She smiles widely when she sees the blood flowing from his fingers. He wondered if she was becoming a sadist from interacting with Sougo too much.

**3. Sunset: **Otae didn't look very lovely throwing Hijikata off the bridge for insulting her flat chest with her face scrunched up like a constipated gorilla—even with the orange-yellow light illuminating her face nicely.

**4. Award:** Otae did not attend Hijikata's ceremony when he received an award with the rest of the Shinsengumi for protecting a prestigious family. She was too busy cooking him up and egg salad sandwich because he let another woman cling to his arm. That son of a bitch was going to die.

**5. Twilight: **Hijikata shoved the book down the shredder for making Otae cry.

**6. Dawn: **He decided to use Gintoki's throat to get rid of the second movie.

**7. Key:** Otae never did give Hijikata a key to their house. The Shinsengumi's vice-captain later decides it's fine, because half-asleep Otae answering the door is quite…nice for a change. Her bed-head was a bit adorable, and the soft smile on her face when greets him was cute.

**8. Concert: **Hijikata decided to never go with Otae and Shinpachi to another Otsuu concert because his ear drums almost died.

**9. Tooth/Teeth:** Even if Hijikata was a smoker, his teeth looked sort of nice, Otae decided. _For now._

**10. Chase:** Hijikata had to chase Otae down when he discovered her wildest secret sex fantasies.

**11. Tattoo: **The most shocking part of Otae, is when he discovered a heart tattoo on her waist. Haha, she got a tramp stamp.

**12. Hallucinations: **Sometimes, Hijikata hallucinates of Okita Mitsuba screaming it's his fault for everything. He wakes up in the middle of night, drenched in sweat wondering if he should do Mitsuba a favor and break up with Otae because it was as if his old love was forcing him not to forget her for somebody else. Later on, Otae would hold him and tell Hijikata to shut up and go back to sleep.

**13. Gift/Present: **Otae bust out laughing when Hijikata cried in joy when she gave him over twenty gallons of mayonnaise for his birthday.

**14. Sunrise: **Otae and Hijikata would sit on the roof and talk about nothing in particular, waiting for the sun to rise on the weekend. It was...peaceful, and it kept the both of them sane.

**15. Moon: **Hijikata caved into sex when Otae mooned him.

**16. Roof: **Hijikata provided Otae a roof over her head, and cannot figure out why the hell he lets her walk over him when it was _his_ house.

**17. Bully: **Otae snorts in amusement when she remembers how Hijikata used to try to persuade her to give Kondo a chance and date him. Now look at where they were at.

**18. Camera: **Otae smashed the digital camera in his face after she discovered a picture of her face contorted into an ugly expression.

**19. Drive: **Hijikata drives from now on. End of story.

**20. Ghost: **Otae's a little bit cute when she clings to him tightly, screaming girlishly about a ghost. Hijikata doesn't do a thing about it and decides not to tell her that it's just a white punching bag.

**21. Alcohol: **Otae and Hijikata has played many drinking games at home together with the former never out-lasting him. Let's just say, it's a good thing they lived in the isolated part of Japan.

**22. Band-Aid: **Hijikata savors the moment of Otae fixing his small and large injuries he's received. Hijikata doesn't realize that he secretly looks at all of the band-aids she sticks on his hand with a small smile on his face.

**23. Jeans:** Otae gave Hijikata an incredulous look when he turned into Toshi, wearing a ripped jean jacket before giggling and throwing him out of the house.

**24. Rug:** Their white rug is stained with red.

**25. Chair:** Otae smashes it over Hijikata's head when she sees him glancing at another woman besides herself.

**26. Ribbon:** Hijikata dragged a palm down his face at the sight of Otae trying to tie a pink ribbon in her hair. After a long time of watching her fail, he snatches it from her and ties it in her hair correctly.

**27. Bathrobe:** Hijikata would never admit that her bathrobe smells good.

**28. Phone/Phone Call:** Otae's blood rushes to her cheek at the voice mail he leaves her on the house phone. Hijikata was very romantic at heart, and always knew what she wanted to very smooth with his words when he wanted to be.

**29. Gun: **Otae aimed a gun at Hijikata's nuts before and threatened to abolish it, if he ever decided to cheat on her with a tramp.

**30. Desert:** Their sex lives are never dry.

"Toshi! Can you do me a favor and deliver this to the Yorozuya!" Kondo asked, holding a plastic bag out to the vice-captain.

Hijikata raised a brow and took it from the man, eyeing it with distaste. "Why?"

"Isn't it obvious? They helped us with the last case, so we need to show them how grateful we are. If it wasn't for them, we would have never found out about the second panty-stealing criminal!"

"…" When did that even happen? Shrugging, Hijikata nodded. "Of course Kondo-san." Heading out the doorway with the bag in hand, he slid on his shoe and trudged out the headquarters. As Hijikata walked out of the headquarters, he spotted Kagura walking towards him with a frown on her face. His eyebrows furrowed. The alien of Chinese descent looked a little bit…chubbier than the last time he saw her. She stopped in front of him and glared, causing him to take a step back. "You got me pregnant."

He gaped. "_What?_"

"_You_, got me pregnant uh huh," Kagura repeated. She pointed to the small lump on her stomach. "DO SOMETHING!"

"Wait a minute! We never even had sex together! Are you sure it's not Sougo?" Hijikata retorted, holding his hands up in defense.

"LIAR! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT DAY! YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME UH HUH!"

"No I didn't—"

"FALCON PUNCH!" Kagura rammed her fist in his gut, sending him across the street. There was a moment of silence, and she lifted a walkie talkie up to her mouth. _"_Anego, I punched him across the street."

_"Thank you Kagura-chan~." _That'll teach that son of a bitch to squirt mayonnaise on her eggs.

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**Me: I really hoped you guys liked it~. Reviews are, as always, appreciated. SO REVIEW BITCHES. Puh-lease~.**


	3. Sakata Gintoki, Kagura, Prompt

**Disclaimer: Gintama does not belong to me. It belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.**

**Author: Gyarulikdat2**

**Pairing/Characters Dedicated to: Gintoki and Kagura **

**Rated: T for some cursing and some sexual related jokes.**

**Genre: Humor, Romance, and Crack.**

**Summary: Gintoki and Kagura deviantart writing prompt**

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1. Nonsense- When Shinpachi wasn't around, Gintoki and Kagura would talk nonsense because they knew no one would nag them for it.

2.A fork in the road- Gintoki's scooter exploded for the millionth time when Kagura threw a fork in the road and he drove over it.

3.Hugs- Gintoki has vowed to never hug Kagura again considering the last time he did, he almost died.

4.Denial- Kagura is in denial when it comes to her feelings for Sougo, Gintoki tells himself every time he sees the two together.

5.Ninja turtles- When Kagura told Gintoki she hated the Ninja Turtles, Gintoki stopped feeding the alien girl for the next week until she lied and said she loved them.

6.A chance meeting- If Gintoki hadn't hit Kagura with his scooter on that faithful day, who knows where she would be to this day. Certainly not on Gintama~.

7.Scream- Words could not describe how hard Kagura laughed when she first heard Gintoki's scream.

8.Laugh- Gintoki laughs when Kagura messes up on words and doesn't realize it.

9.Rain the size of walnuts- Sakata Gintoki's worst nightmare ever? Being pelted with walnut-sized rain while listening to Kagura sing.

10.Stupid faces- Gintoki and Kagura make the best stupid faces when Shinpachi starts to talk about Otsuu just so he will know the two couldn't care less about her.

11.The monster under the bed- Gintoki has to explain to Kagura that the only possibility of a monster under her bed would be her darling Sadaharu number 27.

12.Your mood- During 'that time of the month', Gintoki keeps his mood in check when around Kagura. She could kill him anyway, but her being on her period scared Gintoki even more.

13.Habit- Gintoki decided it would benefit him to stop picking his nose after that day when he accidentally flicked the booger right into Kagura's mouth. It was okay, though, since right after that, Kagura shoved Sadaharu's feces down the older man's throat.

14.An inside joke- Gintoki and Kagura enjoy using their inside jokes when Shinpachi is in the room just to make him feel left out.

15.Zombies- After the Zombrow incident, Gintoki slept in the closet with Kagura for about a week until Kagura kicked him out. Literally.

16.Satire- Kagura doesn't enjoy satire jokes, even thought she's in a parody anime.

17.Blood- Gintoki loses a lot of blood from Kagura's revenge schemes.

18.Dolls- When Gintoki bought Kagura a Chucky doll, she sent it sparking into the sky.

19.If I had a superpower…- Gintoki would want to be able to go back in time to prevent Shoyo-sensei and everyone's deaths. Kagura would want to have a superpower where she could make food appear out of thin air.

20. Childhood dreams- As a child, Kagura dreamed of becoming strong like her brother. Now she just wants to defeat him. As for Gintoki, he always dreamed of being like Goku.

21.A betrayal- When Takasugi became evil, Gintoki couldn't help but feel betrayed, even though he saw it coming. Kagura never felt so betrayed in her life when Kamui killed their mother and tried to kill their father.

22.Exhaustion- Gintoki is exhausted every day with Kagura around, but not as much as his wallet.

23.Mary-Sue- If Sorachi made Kagura a Mary-Sue, she would hate herself more than any of the fans could.

24.The death of Mary-Sue- And she would also kill herself. One less Mary-Sue in the anime world, and we all know she would probably be the most annoying Mary-Sue.

25.Books- Gintoki and Kagura tried to read a book together one time. After a while, they found it boring so they set it on fire and roasted marshmallows over it.

26.Procrastination- The reason the Yorozuya rarely gets work? They LOVE to procrastinate and actually get to the job a week or so later and without Shinpachi, they would probably get it done about a year later.

27.Balloons- One time, Kagura glued a balloon to Gintoki's face. Funniest. Shit. Ever. Especially when she popped it.

28.Holding hands- Kagura always bugs Gintoki to hold her hand when they're walking somewhere. He wont because Gintoki knows all too well that if they do, he'll say something wrong and Kagura will send him flying to 'Murica.

29.Waving goodbye- Gintoki and Kagura like to wave goodbye to food as they're walking past restaurants.

30.I'll never forget the time…- Kagura will never forget that time she first saw Takasugi because she wanted to laugh at his small eye so bad. At least it's gotten better over the seasons.

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** Man it took me forever to finally do this, mainly since I couldn't think of what to write, which it why I just went with a prompt. Please favorite and review sexy people~.**


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